Day 86: Its Been Six Whole Hours And Five Long Days For All Your Lies To Come Undone [T-Minus 4]

We interrupt this blog post with this brief announcement.

*Ahem*

OHMYGODREYNOLDS! WHATTHEHELLWEREYOUTHINKING? AREYOUTRYINGTOKILLME?!? NOONEINTHEIRRIGHTMINDSUPER-SETSFREAKIN'PLANKS!! THAT'SJUSTINSANE!!

And now we return you back to the regularly sceduled post.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Gyms.

I spent one year of my and a ton of money at one of those chain gyms. I eventually gave up about a month before I started Peak Condition. I just wasn't seeing any results despite going there religiously three evenings a week during the summer and fall and three mornings a week during the winter and spring. The only result I was seeing was my hard earned cash going down the drain.

During that stint I saw a lot of people there and many different kinds of habits. Here are some of the things I learned:

The only people who go to the gym in the early morning are business men. This is probably because they work every late in the evening. Otherwise, the gym is pretty empty. This was a good time to use the weightlifting machines.

Everyone else in the world goes to the gym right after work, between 5 and 6pm. This is a bad time to go. Wait until 7:00pm. The gym will be empty.

Regardless of the time of day you went, it was almost always difficult to get on a treadmill, a bicycle, or an eliptical machine. These are pretty much occupied by the overweight people. They will occupy the machine for almost an hour. Most will be reading a book or magazine.

The weightlifting section contains mostly the muscle-bound types. Especially the free-weights. This is the part of the gym where you will hear most of the grunting going on. For some reason, the ones that make the most noise are trying to lift weights that are far too heavy for them. These people are ususally there for at least two hours.

If you try to do a full routine involving both the cardio and weight sides, you will be looked upon as an intruder by each group. Never the twain shall meet.

Avoid the “healthful” snack bar at the gym, if there is one. After a workout you’re probably feeling a little peckish, and the gym makes it easy for “healthy food” to be nearby. Power Bars, protein bars, and the ever popular fruit smoothie is just around the corner. Amazingly enough, the calories are never listed and the drink size is large enough that it should be shared with a friend.

Don’t pay for a trainer. They are not worth the money—especially when four sessions with one of them costs more than two or three months of gym membership. You are also not the trainer’s only client. They will try and rush you through so they can have a few minutes to themselves before their next client arrives.

Avoid any special “weight-loss” program or challenge offered. This usually has its own cost on top of the gym membership. They love to take your money but fail on delivering the goods. (I’m still waiting for the t-shirt, party, and commerderie they promised.)

And the last observation is courtesy of a number of friends who also go to a gym.

No matter how much you work out, it all comes to naught if you don’t eat right. There’s a reason why I am looking good and have lost the same amount of weight in three months that it has taken you a year and a half to lose—my meals do not consist of carb loaded platters of fried foods, huge sugary desserts, and two or three large mugs of beer.

Hmmm. Maybe someday I’ll go back when I’m really ripped—so I can torture them! BWA-HA-HA-HA!