Day 14: I'm Your Ice Cream Man, Stop Me When I'm Passin' By

Today is the first big test of willpower—me versus the workplace.

Last week (our first week on PCP) I was asked how I was handling the hunger, since we were only eating half portions of our normal meals. That part was easy for me due to a number of factors: I was on vacation and camping, it was hot outside, I was drinking quite a bit of water, and I was constantly on the move keeping myself busy by doing something every moment.

Camping meant that I was not around a lot of food to draw my attention. Hot weather tends to reduce my appetite anyways. Lots of water keeps my stomach feeling full. And since I was so busy, my mind was actively thinking of other things than food.

That was one of the reasons why I dreaded going back to work. There's usually lots of food around me because many of the people here either order out for lunch or they're bringing in food to share (and the table they use is next to my cubicle). I'm sitting in air-conditioning so my appetite is at normal capacity. Because I'm cooler, I often don't drink as much water as I should. And I'm just sitting here at a desk, staring at a computer, so I'm not really physically active.

Today is ordering out day, and I'm being bombarded with the scent of pizza, barbeque sauce, burgers, fries, chicken wings, and more. Someone brought in birthday cake and now they've announced that the company is providing free ice cream for everyone.

That's one of my worst food triggers—free. When food is free, my body goes into this frenzy to eat as much of it as I possibly can, like I'm starving or something. It doesn't matter that I'm not hungry at all, or that I'm stuffed to the gills; if you tell me it's free food, I'll be grazing right along with the rest of them!

There were times I could be pretty good about not ordering out. All I had to do was think of how much money I had. If there wasn't any available money, then I couldn't order out. There was a cost associated with eating. But with free, there is no cost!

Or is there?

I can look at myself in the mirror and see the cost. My body is very out of shape. It has been pushed to the limits from many days of getting up early AND staying up late. (I have been known to exist on 3-5 hours of sleep.) I associate with people who eat out all the time and think fried foods are a healthy alternative because the restaurants use vegetable oil. And exercise was something I only did when I had a free moment—and of course I never found the free moments.

Over the past couple of years I have been experiencing a change in myself, in my thoughts, in my being, in my perception of my life and how it really should be. I really can't afford to be the person I was.

So, I look out the window and watch the ice cream truck drive off with one extra ice cream bar that has my name on it still sitting in it's freezer. The battle of wills has been won this time. It's still early in the game and my determination is strong.

However, it doesn't mean my inner child isn't banging on that window, screaming for the ice cream truck to come back.